just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
