she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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