So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
