Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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