How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
