the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize