we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
