my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
