i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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