i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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