You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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