I showed him my bush... on skype.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
