is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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