Your face is a jimmy john
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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