I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
