Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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