Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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