Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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