My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
