i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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