In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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