i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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