I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
