Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
