Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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