I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
