I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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