How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
