I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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