I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
