i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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