dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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