Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
