sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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