remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
