there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
