i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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