standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
