i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
