ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
