ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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