hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
