Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
