Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
