Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
