I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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