Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
