Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
