No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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