if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
