He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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