I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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