so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
