I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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