I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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