Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
